Furship Verbosity Canteen
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Furship Verbosity Canteen

The winner of the 2001 Verbosity Contest is Sasha. Here is her entry:

I hide in the deep dusty underbelly of the bed.

It's blackeness blends with the dark of my fur

leaving me completely eveloped in secrecy and silence.

One by Sasha

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Second place went to Miss Pinkerton, third place to Pinkie Gill, and Honorable Mention to Pepper Mille'. Here are the remaining entries, in no particular order.

Verbose Entries

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Mrreow and greetings to all my fellow Furshippers;

'tis I, FurAngelic Miss Pinkerton, more commonly

known as Pinkie, who having had the Honour,  not

to mention Pleasure, of being the winner of Last Year's

Verbosity Contest, therefore feels that as Defending

ChampionCat I should attempt to construct a sentence

of even more amazing verbosity, not to mention pomposity,

than I did at this time last year... (with regard to which

those of you who are my Furriends know, I am not a

Pompous Cat at all, but more a middle-of-the-road basic

efurryday kitty) which will amaze and delight all of you,

and make your eyes bug and pop, your ears twitch and flatten,

and your whiskers spin and rotate.. and which will hopefully

also be intelligible, or should I say understandable, or just

plain readable, to EveryCat and not just Oxford Professors who

must know the Dictionary by Heart.. and so having Updated

the Furship Mews Pages I sit here writing this epistle which

I will shortly forward to our Esteemed FurLeader Mysty, and

throw my Hat, or to be more accurate my FurAngelic Headdress

(so tastefully designed by our own dear FurCountess Boo), into

the ring so to speak (or should I say so to mew?) and enter

this Contest, with some small hope in the corner of my heart

that I may once again be considered a magnificently Verbose

Feline - and to take this opporunity also to mew a greeting and

send a noserub and a headbonk to the newer Furshippers whom

I have sadly not made acquaintance with as yet, due only to

the fact that We Kadiddies have been so occupied with our

Administration duties at TCMC, that we have not had time for Guild

Activities until now, which is a two-edged sword though because although

we have been terribly busy, we are also gratified and overjoyed

that our TCMC has been such a wonderful success, and we do

hope that you all are enjoying your membership greatly... although

to be honest with you I cannot spend a great deal of time penning

this wondrous and marvellous sentence, as Time is Marching On,

which is to say that the big hand is on the four and the little hand

is on the twelve, and therefore I know that that time is fast

approaching which all we kitties love so.. the time when we gather in

the kitchen and mew and gaze at Meowmie (otherwise known as She

Who is the Keeper of the CanOpener) with loving eyes, as we rub

ourselves against her and entwine around her legs, because

although we know that Meowmies will never Starve Cats, it

never hurts to give them a little encouragement to get in there and get

that can open now.. and as the scent of Fresh Cat Food fills the air

we forget our TCMC and Furship Activities and put all our attention

into examining the contents of the Bowls and testing the consistency

of that which She who is the Keeper of the CanOpener has offered up

for our nourishment, not to mention enjoyment; in fact I must confess

that having written that my mind is now concerned more with the State

of the Stomach and less with this, so I feel that it is time for me to lay

my  pen down, (that is to say, to take my paws off the keyboard) and

to move to the Dining Area, lest my littlest brofur Simon Kadiddie,

feels that he has the chance (and he has the effrontery - cheeky

kitten..) to Eat not only his share of the wondrous offerings at our

Dinner Table, but to also attempt to usurp my place and to dare

to eat Pinkie's Dinner, although he knows full well, as do all the

Kadiddies, that such an action will cause me to exert my seniority as

Eldest  Kadiddie and to Bop that presumptuous cat right on his head,

which being the pacifist and wellbred feline that I am, and also being

not as young and agile as I was once, I would prefer not to be necessary,

and therefore I bid you all goodbye, adieu, auf wiedersehen, au revoir,

and - oh darn it there goes that SimonCat into the kitchen; that's it

Pinkie outta here and gone!

Two by Miss Pinkerton

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My Rules
Scratch me under my chin
I purr to show I love you
Touch my tail,
I'll shred your hand.
Sit in my chair
I will sit on you
Let me sleep in your bed
I  knead you Goodnight!

Three by Pepper Mille'

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It is the crack of dawn, no, I lie, it is pre-crack of dawn when strange

sounds are heard, emanating from the foot of my Mummy's bed and the

surrounding area.  Ear splitting caterwauling, I do most humble beseech

all felines to understand that I am not in any way casting aspirations 

on any member of the feline fraternity and certainly no pun is intended

here  but there is no other word for the awful sounds which assault my

delicate ear-drums, for although I may be in my more mature years,

I will be honest I am not ashamed to admit I am 15 years young, let me

assure you all there is nothing wrong with my hearing.  Though if this

racket keeps up I shall be forced to purchase ear-plugs.   What racket?

I hear you ask?  Oh dear, two of those dreadful creatures called puppies,

which I am told eventually, though no-one will go so far as to commit

themselves as to when, grow into two  perfectly well-mannered and

behaved members of the canine fraternity,   which I am led to believe

are called dogs, may I explain here that  having grown up as an only

child, some may say cat but really I was my late owner's baby

I am not at all well versed on the subject of canines, though my brother,

well he is now by adoption, Buddee is very well informed on the subject

having had from birth I believe, a much beloved German Shepherd

as his playmate, soul confessor,personal body guard and general fact totum

until sadly his best friend crossed the Rainbow Bridge two months and two

days ago.  However, even Buddee with his vast experience in all matters

canine is shocked by the appearance of these two terrible monsters.  

A well mannered dog?  Really, do I look so dull and stupid as to believe

any dog can be well mannered, and may I add at this juncture, even Buddee

is alarmed and questioning his former beliefs which he upheld quite

firmly regarding the unmentionable fraternity, of which I have hitherto be

unacquainted with. He has been in deep consultation with our human and has

told me in strictest confidence that he could never imagine Jacques, his

beloved best friend ever behaving in such a disgraceful manner and is

deeply embarrassed that members of the same fraternity should be seen as

letting the team down so badly, At present he is in a morbid state of

depression one  of total and complete shock, almost to a point where he

has become totally catatonic!   Have you seen how they behave?  Puppies

hat is, let us not for one moment even remotely consider that I am referring

to felines, more commonly known as cats,  do please retain in the forefront

of your cranial cavity, the brain area my dears, that when referring to all

things obnoxious I am, without any question of doubt speaking openly and

without any fear of contradiction from the feline species but possible

incurring the puerile admonitions of the canine league referring about

PUPPIES and or dogs, also referred to as unmentionable creatures,

canine fraternity and other rather more unsavoury adjectives, nouns,

pronouns and any other grammatical terminology one may care to name.    

Positively disgusting creatures to put the subject in a succinct manner!

Let us start with their table manners, manners being a complete misnomer in

this case, gulping swallowing their food in the most obscene way, never

stopping to give even one single chew, fighting over the dish, though there

are two dishes placed down on the floor for them, at least the human does

not expect us to actually share the same dining area with them, I couldn't I

just could not and I am positive on this matter, though not I hasten to add

a snob, bear to share a dining area with such gross and indelicate beings,

that would be just too much even for a democratically minded, liberal cat that

I have always, in the best interests of democracy and freedom for all,

been brought up to believe is the only civilised way to live,even contemplate,

not even in my wildest moments when having consumed a little of that

extremely civilised substance nipz which engenders  a feeling of complete

bonhomie with the entire world, could I consider such an abhorrent

detour  from my normally civilised behaviour at the dinner table, no I could

not contemplate the matter at all,  sharing a table with those alien creatures.

Oh dear, once more I have digressed from the main point of this story,

allow me please that liberty for I wish at all times to state my case

clearly and in a full and factual manner.  Now feeding time, as I was

about to say,   I know I do occasionally check what my feline brother

Buddee has in his dish, you cannot be too careful humans can be tricky

creatures and he does return the compliment but it is all done with total

decorum and propriety.   We never stoop to the pushing and shoving,

snarling and growling that goes on between those two small but very offensive

little creatures called pups.    Our investigation of each other's dishes is

conducted with much care, never giving offence to the other party, of course

there are  certain boundaries which one just does not over-step, such as

always waiting till the other cat has left the dish, although  getting to the dish

first, if the said other cat is a little tardy in responding to the call of Dinner is

being served, one may with perfect dignity at least inspect the contents of

that particular dish just to ascertain that the humans have evenly and

fairly shared all food and that the other cat's dish does not contain anything

out of the ordinary, or of course to ensure the humans have not tried

sneaking in flea control or horrors worming tablets into ones dish.  

An investigation of the another's dish is always carried out most  politely,

stepping aside when the other party does condescend to join the food line

and never never jostling in an unseemly manner the other cat out of the

way whilst said party is actually eating or approaching his or her dish.

However, my dear readers it behoves me to tell you that this is

precisely what these two specimens of the canine fraternity do, the

human must be on guard at all times to ensure each of the respective

puppies is allowed to eat in peace.   Oh that she could control the positive

ghastly noises which emanate from the region of their dishes, gulping choking

sounds, really my friends a cat just cannot tolerate such rude offensive

table manners, there I go again misnomers are flying today,

manners theirs are a total aberration of that genteel and polite word - manners!

However, I have digressed somewhat from the early pre-dawn cacophony

of sound which greets me, so allow me to return to the starting point of this

little piece, I will set the scene properly for you all.

Dawn has not yet appeared on the horizon the sun is still asleep,

sleeping peacefully in his bedroom  during the night, the human told me he

is over the other side of the world, lighting  their days  but me, I prefer

being a fanciful cat, to think of the sun as going to bed each night, his

duvet a rainbow of beautiful hues, brilliant oranges slashed with deep crimson

and speckled with turquoise, all shades of pink glistening through, interwoven

like silken strands through gossamer fine material, a positive kaleidoscope

of colour such as only nature, the finest artist in all the world and I am quite

prepared to argue that point with anyone who considers even Monet, my

own personal favourite artist to be the greatest should you choose to

compare him with nature.   I would I know, sleep soundly myself if I were

ensconced in such a beauteous bed and I am certain and on this point I

remain totally adamant that the sun sleeps at night and rises in spectacular

manner adorning him self with the most brilliant cosmetics imaginable

as he slowly and with infinite grace performs his morning toiletries, gradually

adorning the new day with his splendour.   However, I believe I may have

digressed once more, forgive me it is said that those who digress are of

an artistic nature, so I suppose one could work on the assumption that the

more one digresses the more artistic one is, in which case I assume you

may just class me as being extremely artistic for digression is second

nature to me, did I hear you say you wanted to know what the pre-dawn,

pre-historic noises were, getting impatient for me to get to the crux of this

story, oh please accept my most abject apologies, I digress you see.

Now, Dawn has not even considered breaking over the horizon her

alarm clock is set for a much later time, approximately one hour

actually, though of course when one is sleeping deeply, totally exhausted

from the previous days activities, one is not always fully compos mentos,

by that I do not mean that I do not eventually become fully conscious of

my surroundings but it takes time, I prefer a more peaceful awakening

and always after the sun has risen, if not to the glowing heights of mid-day

splendour, at least up and over the horizon.   At that point I can stretch,

carefully open one eye, stretch again, well a girl needs to keep in shape

and I do prefer the more elegant form of exercise to that much

favoured by humans vigorous form where one is expected to produce

copious quantities of bodily fluid whilst nerve jangling music blares

in the background all purely to keep fit, I find a good stretch and my

daily rounds have kept me in an extremely sleek and lithe shape for

my entire life and I see no reason to change my daily ritual to conform

to the new era of personal trainers and other such muscle binding,

purportedly healthy life energising activities which cost not only a fortune

in monetary terms, such money can I feel be better spent of other more

necessary indulgences, which is rather a paradox of terminology but

I trust you will understand the point I am making here.  Oh dear, I fear

I am guilty of digressing again!   But it is important that my readers

understand my normal surroundings so they may fully appreciate and I

hope sympathise or should that be emphasise with my current, that is to

say very recent situation  as opposed to the tranquil existence of my

past life which seems as if it were aeons ago not just a mere two days,

two days but oh readers a lifetime for me, inflicted as I now am with

the dramatic changes wrought in my life by the presumptuous and

totally unnecessary  in my mind anyway, arrival of the two aforementioned

puppies. Alas I have digressed yet again, oh dear I must try to curb my

verbosity, however I do feel it quite necessary that all should be in

complete possession of all the facts, I wonder, should I become a Lawyer

or a Real Estate Agent, no not a Realtor for they never wish anyone

to be in full possession of the facts, rather the full possession of a crock

of ooops that is not something a well brought up cat should not say and

I have been very well brought up.  Now how did I get onto Real Estate

Agents, except that there could possible be a connexion between them

and puppies, this is a matter for further investigation, at a date sine die for I am

under great pressure at present and my powers of reasoning have been

slightly abated but the dreadful onset on "puppy mania" which has taken

complete hold of my once, genteel peaceful household.  Once more, I shall

continue explaining my past and sadly lamented morning ritual, torn away

like a old tree caught in the midst of a hurricane, which I suppose in someway

I am, an old tree that is.  How did I get onto trees?   Let me resume my former

narrative, the one where I was explaining my normal routine, in case you

had lost the thread of this entire story.  After a good long stretch I snuggle

down contemplate life and slowly , with grace and dignity as behoves a cat,

arise from my warm comfortable bed where I have slept undisturbed

throughout the long Winter's night to gradually and to soft sounds

filtering through from the garden, the morning chorus of the birds pad

silently, still yawning a little and shedding the last vestiges of sleep,  out to the

kitchen whereupon the human "she who thinks she must be obeyed", 

I allow her that small vanity, it helps keep her under my total domination

whilst allowing her to retain her dignity, something which I personally

consider to be most important to all living creatures, though I do at this moment

exempt totally and utterly all puppies from this God given right, to obediently

open the food cans and place an equal portion of food into my brother and

my food dishes, whilst also putting on the jug preparatory to her own

morning cup of tea.   The only noise heard is the silent padding of the human,

her words of love whispered softly to Buddee and I and the occasional drat as

she mis judges the length of time she has left the jug boiling being otherwise

occupied with gazing out of the window, conjecturing no doubt such major life

forming decisions as to whether she will have Muesli or toast for  breakfast

and how she will paint a certain scene or graphic.   All is peaceful, well was

peaceful in those halcyon days of yore! Oh how sadly I do recall them,

the sweet peace and tranquillity of our home is shattered,  I fear forever by

the noise of the two invaders.   It seems they are incapable of any form

of consideration to others, do they quietly slip from their beds, pad outside

and attend to the delicate and extremely personal matters regarding ones

own hygiene, do they stop for one moment to consider that there are

those of us who do not appreciate either the sight or smell of certain

intimate bodily functions, placed right under our noses, filling our oralfactory

senses with a singularly malferous odour?  Rhetorical question, of

course they do not!   It appears their only and primary concern is for

themselves, totally selfish is my considered verdict on the matter, for not

only do they produce in copious amounts for something so small unsavoury

piles of, now how shall I put this delicately for it is not my wish to offend any

readers sensibilities, let me say "bodily waste of the liquid and solid variety"

right under my nose but have the unmitigated gall to consider the bedroom

to be their own personal playroom, the ensuing ruckus when these too

carnivores start playing would make a drunken brawl at an unmentionable

place sound like children singing Christmas carols and do remember, this is

all occurs during, in my opinion, the middle of the night.     Do the police, those

fine upholders of the law come rushing to the scene of this Bacchanalian Orgy,

no, no-one moves to prevent such a debacle of unmitigated hedonistic

behaviour which is normal", however, honesty does prevail and I must

point out that the female human staggers, rather uncomprehendingly, from

her bed and with great care removes the offending waste products and

herds the two culprits outside, although of course she does this with great

kindness and with many encouraging words such as "be good clean puppies

for Mummy".  I was total appalled to discover that they actually receive

treats for being "clean", this I am afraid is something I cannot at present

comprehend, why I question does such behaviour warrant treats! 

Buddee too is completely dumbfounded by this singularly incomprehensible

manner in which our normally rational, logical Mummy behaves, we can

only assume that it is one of those total unexplainable, completely illogical

and unfathomable traits of the homo sapien species, or as Buddee

suggested, Aquarian homo sapiens anyway.   I wonder, do other humans

born under other astrological signs behave in strange and to Buddee

and myself foreign ways?   If any reader has an explanation for this

please write to me, in as many words as possible for I am a cat who likes

to be in full position of the facts, what the answer is or at least a

considered and rational explanation for  such total irrational behaviour by my

adored Mother.   I do believe however, that no such rational answer exists. 

However, the human at least does remove all offensive material and for

a short time the perpetrators of same are also removed.  For a short, oh

lamentably too short a time peace reign supreme in at least one area of

the house, though I am only working on the grounds of assumption as I

have long since fled the scene but giving the matter due and biased, yes biased,

consideration I have come to the conclusion that with the removal of those

offending creatures, peace would be the ensuing result.  Does it last you

may well ask?  The answer to that is NO!   This my dear friends is a sad

tale and I trust I have placed the matter before you in a concise and

factual manner for I do wish to appear to be fair and non-judgmental

in my attitude towards those unspeakable horrors which have over-run

our once happy, gracious peaceful home.  That it may appear I have

digressed at certain junctures in the telling of this sad sorrowful story is

purely in the interests of the uninformed, those cats who have lived sheltered

lives, like myself and have never had their homes sullied by the obnoxious

foreign and totally alien, I rather feel they may come from Mars, or Saturn

or an unknown planet as yet to be discovered in the great cosmos which

surrounds the outer galaxies of our planet, will have some idea and

understanding of the terrible ordeal which fate has brought to me.
Unbiased, I suppose in all honesty I am not but in the endeavour

to place my case for the judgement of all self-respecting cats I have tried

at all times to detail in full the obdurate behaviour of the previously mentioned

canine fraternity.  Sadly, with the sounds of their play reverberating in

my delicate ears I must, for fear of more obnoxious fumes assailing my delicate

nostrils, conclude this sage so in summation I will just say that my once

peaceful mornings are totally destroyed, my eyes are heavy my brain

dulled and I am suffering major sleep depredation.   Does the Smithsonian

Institute require any subjects to study for this ailment?   I am available

and it would be more peaceful to be prodded probed and put under

the microscopic scrutiny of a dozen scientists than to live in what is now

pure unadulterated misery, in my once happy home.

Four, by Pinkie Gill

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Wanna be happy in mewr GIZZARD?

Chase, catch and devour a LIZZARD!!!

Five by Pepper Mille'

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Words were edited on November 26 2001.

Words can be exaggerated through Geocities.